I sat on the bench, facing the shore, listening to the sound that waves made. I was blank but I could feel my heart aching. I turned left and right, unintentionally, and saw Zahir walking. I smiled and waved my hand to which he replied with another wave. And in few minutes, I saw him sitting by my side.
Zahir: You used to be at home, at this time, right?
Me: What time is it?
Zahir: 6 p.m
Me: Oh, time has passed to soon.
Zahir: When did you come here?
Me: At 4.
Zahir: Are you tired? Need something?
Me: No, I am fine.
Zahir: Meshal, I wanted to say you something from few days.
Me: That you want to leave.
Zahir: No, I wanted to say that I may have started to like you.
I smiled.
Me: You didn't and don't.
Zahir: Why? You don't seem happy.
Me: Because I don't love you.
He took a pause and said.
Zahir: What was it all these time then?
I took a deep breath and tried to assemble words that I have to say.
Zahir: Even two days ago, you said me that you loved me but it did hurt me when you didn't say me yesterday before saying 'good night' why? What happened? Are you seeing someone else?
Me: No, not a chance.
Zahir: Then what's wrong? Why change of mind?
Me: Because I might have not moved on.
Zahir: But he left you.
Me: I did, I didn't look back after things happened. Even today, after that day, everyday, his eyes would appear before my eyes and those words which he said 'Don't you see my love for you in my eyes?' rings in my ears.
Zahir: I don't understand, meshal, all these years, not even months, years, that you spend with me telling that you have feelings for me, that you love me, when now I have started to like you, you are rejecting it? You wanted to break me or use me? Like my ex?
Me: No no, don't mistake me, in you I saw him, I didn't see you as you, but him, all the things I should have done, should have done at that moment or after that moment for him, I did it with you, everytime you said that you wanted to leave, I stopped you, because my heart ached and my mind said 'history is repeating, do what you can do to stop him' and I would go crazy when my inner self said that and go behind you. When you cried, I felt like I have to be there and I shouldn't be doing what I did to him. Everything, every care, every moment that I did something to cheer you up, I should have done to him. I was scared, I feared that I will hurt another soul.
Zahir: What made you think or say that?
Me: There is someone lookalike of his, I deleted all his pictures long back but his lookalike would come in my feed everytime. At first I had this feeling, when I saw him that I know him and I would stalk that guy to recall what I have forgotten and yesterday when his profile re appeared, I was in shock, I saw him in him and broke down. All these years, those cries that I had held in my heart came out and that made me realize that I am in agony and living a life where I see him in everyone, every person I meet.
I took a pause and wiped my tears.
Me: My heart aches when somebody leaves, cry, get angry and I do every possible thing that I should have done to console him. I wasn't there for him and now I am there for everybody. I wasn't there for someone who had the world's time for me and I am there for the ones who don't look at me for the second time.
I took out a tissue and cleansed my running nose.
Zahir: And now that you have changed your mind, what about my feelings for you?
Me: I am glad that you said it now, when I have realized that he is still in my heart.
Zahir: Wow, hats off.
I smiled.
Me: Look at me Zahir.
We sat facing each other.
Me: Do you really love me?
Zahir: I mean, I do have feelings for you.
Me: Listen to me carefully and tell me if this is true or not.
Zahir: Okay.
Me: Do you love me? Because you think that someone did not value your feelings and left you and you shouldn't be doing it with someone else who loves you?
He gulped his saliva and I could hear it.
Me: Most of the time we accept people by compromising like thinking that nobody will love us, so let's accept whoever is loving us, and other times we accept people thinking we shouldn't do what others did with us.
We sat in silence looking into each others eyes.
Zahir: Will you not be around?
Me: I will be, whenever you want.
Zahir: Don't leave me, you have helped me stand erect, I don't want to fall again.
Me: Calm, I need to stop torturing myself. I need to stop thinking that I have to pay for my deeds. I need to stop feeling hopeless. Don't worry, you can contact me anytime, it's just I might take time to reply because I want to focus on my development.
Zahir: I will miss you.
Me: Are you mad? I am here okay.
Zahir: Yes you are, I was telling to that stubborn, caring girl. If he had seen that side of yours, you both might have been together today.
Me: It's late, I have to go.
Zahir: Shall I leave you?
Me: Windows open, A/C suffocates me.
Zahir: Will go on bike.
A bus passed in front of me and I started to watch it.
Zahir: Get on, it goes through your route.
I smiled and got on the bus and he accompanied me.
-me$hal-
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Realization takes time...
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Follow me to keep up with me 😜...
Follow me to keep up with me 😜...
