Guilt

I had to go to a party today which I wasn’t willing to but ended up going. As I walked on the grass, my ankle sprained and with much efforts I reached a nearby bench and sat. I felt that someone was sitting beside me but didn’t want to see who it was and thought to mind my business. I tried to massage my ankle as it was paining so badly, Akash came at that moment and offered to help me. I rejected at first but then he insisted and I had to allow him to fix it. As he twisted my ankle, I screamed and asked ‘Are you fixing or breaking it?’ but I felt better after that twist, it was hurting less than before but I thought to sit there for a while to relax before going to meet people.

Ridhima walked briskly towards me and I started to think that she might ask me why was I sitting there? But instead she came and started to hint me with her eyes, I turned back and saw karan, her crush, she gave me a pleading look, I turned back and waited him to see me, as he saw me I waved and he came towards me and Ridhima gave me a confused look on how did I know him?

Me: Hey.

 
Karan: Hey, wassup? Why you out? 

Me: Trying to take fresh air before going in.

Karan: Still trying to adjust in parties?

Me: Yes, trying to adjust in crowd.

Karan: Come on, get used to it.

I smiled.

Me: Karan, this is Ridhima, Ridhima karan.

They both said hi to each other.

Me: Karan, Ridhima admire you, so can you spear 5 minutes for her?

Karan: I am taken, you know this.

Me: Yes, I remember, but just 5 minutes, if you can? Like you know how it feels to talk to someone they admire, please, just 5 minutes. I am bad at twisting things so, please.

Ridhima gave me a weird look but Karan didn’t refuse and they both went to a nearby table to chit chat.

I heard a murmuring sound like ‘Setting’ and blah blah and thought to ignore it and to move from that place. I got up and started walking to the house but somebody caught my hand and pulled me back.

Me: Are you mad? You scared me.

It was Veera, the one who organised the party.

Veera: Come, meet a friend of mine. Remember the short film named alone, you loved so much.

Me: Yes, but it’s my second favorite.

Veera: Meet its story writer, Vikrant.

And she pointed to the guy who got up from the bench to greet us. My heart started racing and my blood burning with anger and I was trying to control myself and little but no smile appeared on my face. The short film which was second on my favorite list, moved out.

Vikrant: Hello.

Veera: Vikrant, meet Meshal, Meshal this is Vikrant.

Words refused to come out of my mouth and thus I shook my head as a sign of hello.

Veera: She loved your story which you wrote for a short film, alone, she also loved the way it was produced and camera directions and it’s one of her favorite short film.

Vikrant: Oh, I see, thank you Meshal.

I shook my head again and I was trying to not see his face because I wasn't wanting to see it.

Veera: So, I will leave you both here, meet you guys later.

Me: I will join you.

She looked at me making her eyes so big, asking me to stop right there.

I was feeling very uncomfortable standing there, with him and also I didn’t want to look at his face, so I was seeing here and there.

Vikrant: Didn’t you notice? I was sitting by your side the whole time.

Me: No.

Vikrant: I thought you saw and was ignoring me.

Me: No.

Vikrant: And, how are you? Long time.

Me: I am doing fine, what about you?

Vikrant: Fine, why you not looking at me? Is there any problem?

‘No’ I said giving him a glance.

Vikrant: Okay, ummm, what else?

Me: Nothing, I will leave then.

Vikrant: Don’t you want to talk with me Meshal? You just vanished, without any note.

Me: Thank you for noticing.

Vikrant: Ummm you welcome.

Me: Yeah.

Vikrant: Talk to me, what’s wrong?

I took a deep breath, my body shivering, I looked at him.

Me: I won’t take a moment to get attached to you and you won’t take a moment to break me, again. So, just let’s be how we used to be, after getting to know each other and then now, strangers. I am sorry, I don’t want to hurt you and don’t want to go through the same.

Vikrant: What you saying?

Me: You will never get it. I am going in. Bye.

With much efforts I walked in and met people in there, with heavy heart I walked around, trying to hold back my tears, I could feel his presence near me, everywhere I went and that was hurting me more. I went to Veera and said her that I need to leave, she called Akash to drop me but I refused and the Samrat, I refused and then Vikrant.

Me: Where is your driver?

Veera: I am trying to find someone for you.

Me: I don’t want, please, not today.

Veera: You are such a boring person, Meshal.

She called the driver and I rushed to sit in. I thought to look at Vikrant the last time, but I felt like he would be smiling, enjoying the party, as practical person he was or say that he knows how to control his feelings and it will hurt me looking at him in that way and feeling that he still does not care.

I reached home, unable to walk, shivering with cold, no strength to stand, I sat on the floor and wept, cried so loud that I could literally feel heaviness in my heart. He was none other then the guy for whom I left sleep in case he would need somebody at night, whom I used to irritate, try to keep happy, make ways to win his heart, tried hard to console him when he was sad and all he did was ignore me, kept me as an option, make me feel that I stand nowhere in his life. Even after what he did I think to not think any negative about him but understand him but I fear that I may go back to him and turn back to the same person I was and let him treat me the way I didn't deserve.

I washed my face, wore something comfortable, drank hot water and took sleeping pills as times like this make it tough for me to sleep and relax my mind.

My phone rang as I was trying to sleep, I thought to not get up from my bed but the feeling that he was calling grew and I got up from my bed to check my phone and it was Sammy, like why would he call? why am I still thinking and waiting for him? I didn't pick up the call and left it on the table and prayed to get some sleep. But I got up again and called her back to know what's the situation because that's what I would want someone to do with me when I call them or text them because to go on seen, hurts.

-me$hal-

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Wrote this urgently, because I think I will be taking break because I am just done with myself, hurting myself, need to clear my mind, relax my heart, just want to feel good and stay away from negativity and things that I don't deserve.

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Life's Deal

 After three games I finally had my chicken dinner like as usual it wasn't because of me like I still don't have the guts to kill the last person standing. Forget about the game, the day itself was disappointing. If sir had noticed each of our individual works, he would have appreciated me as I know I have gone sleepless nights just to finish it in a better way possible but all the credit goes to the team leader. Team does the work and leader gets the credit.

I checked the time and it was 11 p.m, dinner time had passed, I locked my cell phone and rushed out of the room. As I was moving to the kitchen I checked smili's room, she wasn't there, checked kitchen, balcony, gallery and she was nowhere to be found. And then finally went to check the washrooms, I knocked on one door and then moved to another and could hear water dropping from the tap, hearing it relaxed me a little. I waited outside for her to come out and after a while the door got opened and she came out, trying to hide her face.

I said 'hey' from behind and she replied with 'hey' while on move, I tried to follow her and asked her to stop, she suddenly turned back and hugged me tight. I hugged her back and patted on her back with a confused face.

Me: What happened? tell me.

She: Is there any problem with me? Why can't somebody stay with me? How can someone just leave? Take decisions by themselves and say it is better for both of us? Why can't anyone think how I might be feeling?

I asked her to keep calm while she continued her complaints.

She: I hate to be alone. I don't like this feeling. I hate when my heart don't feel anything. I hate this feeling. I feel so broken, my heart hurts. I have no one, everyone just left.

Me: This is a part of life, you can't expect anyone to stay.

She: You don't understand. I let people do whatever they want to do, I don't ask them why did they post this and that? Where did they go? I just let them be as they are even they spend a little or no time on me. I just ask them to stay, is it too much what I ask for? I hate this feeling of loneliness. I don't want to be alone. I want to feel my heart, that excitement, that happiness, that racing of my heart, that waiting for someone, even to feel it.

I tried to console her but I could feel her hands dropping off my shoulder and felt her heavy. She by now I understood have gotten an attack, I tried to sprinkle water on her face as I tried to call ambulance. The next moment I know we were in hospital and she in emergency ward.

I took out my cell phone to call someone but then realized I have been alone for years now, it's just I have been so much busy to notice it. Back in the days I used to cry myself to bed knowing that there was no one for me, no one waited for me and no one thought twice before leaving me. It's then when I decided to keep myself busy and to use social media less.

I thought to scroll through my contact list hoping for a name to appear to whom I could call. As the list was reaching it's end I finally saw a name and without thinking twice I called.

Me: Ma?

Ma: It's 1 a.m what are you doing this late? PUBG again? How many times should I tell you to not play it?

I decided to not say her about the situation and thought to go with the flow. I calmly listened to her and the spoke for another 5 minutes and hung the call.

I went near her room and through the glass I saw her, my heart felt broken after being practical for all these years, I could feel hurt. I started to talk to myself 'Believe it or not, we all will be alone at some point, will have to fight our own struggles, face the circumstances alone, by choice or not, we will be left alone. It's not necessary that a person decides to leave but also that their chapter gets over in your life' my thoughts got interrupted by a text message, I unlocked my cell phone to check and saw my friend's name, a smile on my face appear, after all not every bond ends, at least the ones made out of no benefits or expectations stays may be because you don't think twice before approaching.

-me$hal-
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Wrote this yesterday when I had a terrible break down, the hurt is still there, the rest will come out someday for sure, but for now I am quite and trying to control.

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Random #2

‘Can you stop here? I want to eat ice cream’ I asked Moin who was dropping me home, ‘No’ he replied in an irritated tone may be because of the notification he was receiving continuously and took U-turn in the next stop.

Moin: Here you go…
Me: I don’t need it, I was trying to distract you because it seemed like you were angry about something…
Moin: I am okay, you just wasted my time…
And we drove while he kept receiving messages every 5 minutes…

On reaching my stop I said ‘Text them back please, they are waiting’ and he drove away…

I rang the bell and mumma opened the door, I said her ‘Hi’ and hugged her and told her that I already had my dinner and then went in my room, kept my phone on charge and went to get fresh… The thought that whether he replied or not was continuously on my mind and as I entered my room, all I did was took my phone and texted him ‘Did you reply?’ which went on seen and not replied… I waited and waited and thought to go to sleep, but sleep was far away, so I decided to check my feed…

‘I did’ came reply an hour later to which I replied ‘Thank you, you have no idea how happy I am right now, thank you’ to which ‘Okay’ was his reply… I don’t know whether this was needed or not but I texted him writing ‘I am sorry, if I forced you, I just didn’t want someone to go sleepless today like I used to once upon a time’, message was seen but there was no reply again but still I wrote to him again ‘If you don’t want to talk to them, say them and if they are still doing it after knowing then it’s their fault’ again seen and not replied, I felt like I have spoken a lot today knowing that it wasn’t actually my business... I thought to switch off my cell phone before I send him anymore messages but he called, I kept my hand on my face thinking ‘What should I do now? What is he going to talk?’ and before the ringing stopped, I picked it up…

Me: Hey…
Moin: Hi…
Me: Wassup?...
‘Ewww what was that?’ I thought in my mind…
Moin: I don’t know what to do? She is just going on texting me…
Me: A friend of yours? Or?...
Moin: Just a friend, just *pause* a *pause* friend…
Me: Okay, Why don’t you say her to not text you? Or what’s the problem if she texts you?...
Moin: I fear, what if she falls for me? You know I am already heart broken and don’t want to break her heart…
Me: Why do you feel that she will fall for you? I know that it’s rare for a girl and a guy to be friend for long time but may be she only wants to be your friend and is treating you like one or why don't you just clarify it?…
Moin: May be and it looks awkward…
Me: What do you mean by may be? Do you see any signs from her?...
Moin: No, but she acts like she is my girlfriend…
Me: Every girl whom they care act like that and sometimes like a mother too, they just, not just about girls, even boys they don’t want to lose anyone, thus they show care, jealousy and all…
Moin: You may be right, it’s just may be in my head…
Me: Are you falling for her? Sorry I know it’s personal question, don’t mind…
There was a pin drop silence which made me think that not the other side but this guy was facing some problem…
Me: Moin?...
Moin: Yes…
Me: Are you?...
Moin: What? No, never…
Me: Sure?...
Moin: Yes…
Me: You are…
Moin: No, okay…
Me: You are…
Moin: May be hmmm...

Me: There's the problem...

Moin: I met her on a social media platform and I don’t know in which world I was and thought to keep her in contact, day after day we kept on texting,talking and literally I forgot about my past, I felt like I was living again, I knew she only wanted a friend and treated me like one but the care she showed just had me, I could literally feel my heart feeling light and butterflies in my stomach until one day my past stood in front of me leading me to break contacts with her, I told her that ‘She will fall for me and she need to leave’ thus I left and this is what is happening now...
Me: Have you ever thought how she might have felt when you said that? Like how she has faced herself like she will never have a friend because of her weird characteristics? Like you knew she only wanted a friend and getting this in reply, what were you thinking?...
Moin: It does hurt me everyday to ignore her but I don’t want her to be hurt, I want her to understand that we are not good and she have to leave and also that I don’t want to create any hopes or fall in love because I feel like I will be betraying my first love…
Me: Betraying? Okay…
Moin: Yes… 

I took a pause and instead of thinking in one direction I thought to see it in another direction...
Me: If I see in another way, what you did was right, putting everything on her…
Moin: Are you taunting me?
Me: No, what if you said that you are feeling close to her? How will she react? Hurtful right? Like what did she do? And she will be apologizing every time that she didn’t mean any of those and how will you see her? Like a drama queen asking for attention…
Moin: No, why would I think like that?...
Me: Just saying, because girls don’t get over easily and the other person gets tired of listening the same over again, so what you did was right…
Moin: Hmmm…
Me: But know that if you ever want to go back to her, she won’t be the same person like you will be present in her mind but she might stammer to talk again with you…
Moin: What?...
Me: Like she knows you and she were good friends and she treated you differently but that expression will be gone, she wants to talk to you but you will feel like she is ignoring you or is maintaining distance… The bar will be raised for you, you can break the ice but it will need more effort to bring her back…
Moin: Will not be necessary, I just want her to be in her world and me in mine and also, I won’t commit the mistake again, not with her, not with anybody else…
Me: Hopefully, but at some point, people do look back…
Moin: It’s too late, you need to sleep now…
Me: Moin?...
Moin: Yes…
Me: Don’t hurt her, it will hurt you more…
Moin: Okay, bye…
Me: Bye, thanks…

After keeping the phone, I checked my DM’s and on top was from the person I used to pray to receive text from once upon a time, as I was sleepy, I went back and slept telling myself will reply tomorrow peacefully…

-me$hal-
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Keeping this theme in my head for months now and still not able to write it accurately but still want to post this today because I can't carry this burden in my head anymore...
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Random #1

‘Annual Function’ she said inviting me to her school, technically mine too back in the days. I actually didn’t want to go as there will be lengthy speeches and never-ending prize distribution ceremony but had to because she insisted. And for the rest of the day I tried to ignore my school memories, because if I allowed it, the rest of the work will be pending till I am done walking through school lane…

Next day, she called me to ask whether I was ready and taking in deep breath I said ‘Yes’. The program was lengthy as usual, my legs were aching as usual and my mind kept reminding me to see my classroom before leaving. As soon as the program ended, I ignored the samosa and rushed to see my classroom. As the destination got nearer my heart sank remembering all the times spent in that school. On entering my classroom, the first thing I saw were the names written on the wall and I know exactly where his name was and I went towards it. His name was still there and his best friends name on left and right. I took a picture of it after staring at it for a minute or two and then sat on the bench on which I was sitting, I used to sit cross so that I can see him and also whether if he is looking at me and like me he too used to sit cross facing me and to be honest he saw me every time and that made me blush, every time when I caught him staring at me. Actually, thanks to my science-cum-mathematics teacher who shifted my place from first bench to back bench and also no thanks because that reduced my score.

Last day of the school, when everyone made slam books, I also made one and I wanted him to write first but as it was passed to the guy sitting to his right and my left, he did the inauguration, never mind who wrote and what but he did penned down few words and left no hints for me to know whether he liked me, not sure about disliking me but I was glad to get his number, telephone number, which most probably everyone got but it’s okay even I got. And then I waited for his slam book and when somebody asked him why didn’t he make one, he said ‘Slam books are for kids’, on hearing it my heart broke a little but few days later a slam book was being passed from his table and I saw him looking at me and I thought it may be his so I was feeling butterflies in my tummy and was trying to keep natural look on my face. As I was very much near to holding the book, my friend snatched it, like what, I cannot explain how I felt at that moment, I looked at him and he looked at me and then I went back to my seat, somebody else inaugurated that slam book and later got to know that it wasn’t his. So, he didn’t make a slam book at all, at least I didn’t receive it.

At that moment while sitting in our classroom, I only wished to relive those days one more time or at least him to pass by the scene and let me see him one more time.

Childhood crush are crazy, you cannot get over it, in fact I think having a crush itself is a big thing where you can only stare at them, pretend that you didn’t see them, hope that they see you and their one look make you blush for the whole day or make your day and feel like to catch them looking at you again.

I got up from the place and went out of the building and before leaving I took one more look around to see whether he had come or not and walked straight to the gate. I knew already he would not come; he didn’t say that to me because we are not in contact, I knew because I am a good stalker.

Going back home, I was feeling depressed and I knew that it would happen and thus asking myself why did I even go when I knew I would not be okay after that. I opened his profile and took a recap of his activity and as usual I thought about texting him which I know I won’t and thus however ended the day.

-me$hal-

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I accidentally, no purposefully, saw his status after writing this story 😆 and then blocked him and then saw it again from another account 🙈...
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