Guilt

I had to go to a party today which I wasn’t willing to but ended up going. As I walked on the grass, my ankle sprained and with much efforts I reached a nearby bench and sat. I felt that someone was sitting beside me but didn’t want to see who it was and thought to mind my business. I tried to massage my ankle as it was paining so badly, Akash came at that moment and offered to help me. I rejected at first but then he insisted and I had to allow him to fix it. As he twisted my ankle, I screamed and asked ‘Are you fixing or breaking it?’ but I felt better after that twist, it was hurting less than before but I thought to sit there for a while to relax before going to meet people.

Ridhima walked briskly towards me and I started to think that she might ask me why was I sitting there? But instead she came and started to hint me with her eyes, I turned back and saw karan, her crush, she gave me a pleading look, I turned back and waited him to see me, as he saw me I waved and he came towards me and Ridhima gave me a confused look on how did I know him?

Me: Hey.

 
Karan: Hey, wassup? Why you out? 

Me: Trying to take fresh air before going in.

Karan: Still trying to adjust in parties?

Me: Yes, trying to adjust in crowd.

Karan: Come on, get used to it.

I smiled.

Me: Karan, this is Ridhima, Ridhima karan.

They both said hi to each other.

Me: Karan, Ridhima admire you, so can you spear 5 minutes for her?

Karan: I am taken, you know this.

Me: Yes, I remember, but just 5 minutes, if you can? Like you know how it feels to talk to someone they admire, please, just 5 minutes. I am bad at twisting things so, please.

Ridhima gave me a weird look but Karan didn’t refuse and they both went to a nearby table to chit chat.

I heard a murmuring sound like ‘Setting’ and blah blah and thought to ignore it and to move from that place. I got up and started walking to the house but somebody caught my hand and pulled me back.

Me: Are you mad? You scared me.

It was Veera, the one who organised the party.

Veera: Come, meet a friend of mine. Remember the short film named alone, you loved so much.

Me: Yes, but it’s my second favorite.

Veera: Meet its story writer, Vikrant.

And she pointed to the guy who got up from the bench to greet us. My heart started racing and my blood burning with anger and I was trying to control myself and little but no smile appeared on my face. The short film which was second on my favorite list, moved out.

Vikrant: Hello.

Veera: Vikrant, meet Meshal, Meshal this is Vikrant.

Words refused to come out of my mouth and thus I shook my head as a sign of hello.

Veera: She loved your story which you wrote for a short film, alone, she also loved the way it was produced and camera directions and it’s one of her favorite short film.

Vikrant: Oh, I see, thank you Meshal.

I shook my head again and I was trying to not see his face because I wasn't wanting to see it.

Veera: So, I will leave you both here, meet you guys later.

Me: I will join you.

She looked at me making her eyes so big, asking me to stop right there.

I was feeling very uncomfortable standing there, with him and also I didn’t want to look at his face, so I was seeing here and there.

Vikrant: Didn’t you notice? I was sitting by your side the whole time.

Me: No.

Vikrant: I thought you saw and was ignoring me.

Me: No.

Vikrant: And, how are you? Long time.

Me: I am doing fine, what about you?

Vikrant: Fine, why you not looking at me? Is there any problem?

‘No’ I said giving him a glance.

Vikrant: Okay, ummm, what else?

Me: Nothing, I will leave then.

Vikrant: Don’t you want to talk with me Meshal? You just vanished, without any note.

Me: Thank you for noticing.

Vikrant: Ummm you welcome.

Me: Yeah.

Vikrant: Talk to me, what’s wrong?

I took a deep breath, my body shivering, I looked at him.

Me: I won’t take a moment to get attached to you and you won’t take a moment to break me, again. So, just let’s be how we used to be, after getting to know each other and then now, strangers. I am sorry, I don’t want to hurt you and don’t want to go through the same.

Vikrant: What you saying?

Me: You will never get it. I am going in. Bye.

With much efforts I walked in and met people in there, with heavy heart I walked around, trying to hold back my tears, I could feel his presence near me, everywhere I went and that was hurting me more. I went to Veera and said her that I need to leave, she called Akash to drop me but I refused and the Samrat, I refused and then Vikrant.

Me: Where is your driver?

Veera: I am trying to find someone for you.

Me: I don’t want, please, not today.

Veera: You are such a boring person, Meshal.

She called the driver and I rushed to sit in. I thought to look at Vikrant the last time, but I felt like he would be smiling, enjoying the party, as practical person he was or say that he knows how to control his feelings and it will hurt me looking at him in that way and feeling that he still does not care.

I reached home, unable to walk, shivering with cold, no strength to stand, I sat on the floor and wept, cried so loud that I could literally feel heaviness in my heart. He was none other then the guy for whom I left sleep in case he would need somebody at night, whom I used to irritate, try to keep happy, make ways to win his heart, tried hard to console him when he was sad and all he did was ignore me, kept me as an option, make me feel that I stand nowhere in his life. Even after what he did I think to not think any negative about him but understand him but I fear that I may go back to him and turn back to the same person I was and let him treat me the way I didn't deserve.

I washed my face, wore something comfortable, drank hot water and took sleeping pills as times like this make it tough for me to sleep and relax my mind.

My phone rang as I was trying to sleep, I thought to not get up from my bed but the feeling that he was calling grew and I got up from my bed to check my phone and it was Sammy, like why would he call? why am I still thinking and waiting for him? I didn't pick up the call and left it on the table and prayed to get some sleep. But I got up again and called her back to know what's the situation because that's what I would want someone to do with me when I call them or text them because to go on seen, hurts.

-me$hal-

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Wrote this urgently, because I think I will be taking break because I am just done with myself, hurting myself, need to clear my mind, relax my heart, just want to feel good and stay away from negativity and things that I don't deserve.

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Life's Deal

 After three games I finally had my chicken dinner like as usual it wasn't because of me like I still don't have the guts to kill the last person standing. Forget about the game, the day itself was disappointing. If sir had noticed each of our individual works, he would have appreciated me as I know I have gone sleepless nights just to finish it in a better way possible but all the credit goes to the team leader. Team does the work and leader gets the credit.

I checked the time and it was 11 p.m, dinner time had passed, I locked my cell phone and rushed out of the room. As I was moving to the kitchen I checked smili's room, she wasn't there, checked kitchen, balcony, gallery and she was nowhere to be found. And then finally went to check the washrooms, I knocked on one door and then moved to another and could hear water dropping from the tap, hearing it relaxed me a little. I waited outside for her to come out and after a while the door got opened and she came out, trying to hide her face.

I said 'hey' from behind and she replied with 'hey' while on move, I tried to follow her and asked her to stop, she suddenly turned back and hugged me tight. I hugged her back and patted on her back with a confused face.

Me: What happened? tell me.

She: Is there any problem with me? Why can't somebody stay with me? How can someone just leave? Take decisions by themselves and say it is better for both of us? Why can't anyone think how I might be feeling?

I asked her to keep calm while she continued her complaints.

She: I hate to be alone. I don't like this feeling. I hate when my heart don't feel anything. I hate this feeling. I feel so broken, my heart hurts. I have no one, everyone just left.

Me: This is a part of life, you can't expect anyone to stay.

She: You don't understand. I let people do whatever they want to do, I don't ask them why did they post this and that? Where did they go? I just let them be as they are even they spend a little or no time on me. I just ask them to stay, is it too much what I ask for? I hate this feeling of loneliness. I don't want to be alone. I want to feel my heart, that excitement, that happiness, that racing of my heart, that waiting for someone, even to feel it.

I tried to console her but I could feel her hands dropping off my shoulder and felt her heavy. She by now I understood have gotten an attack, I tried to sprinkle water on her face as I tried to call ambulance. The next moment I know we were in hospital and she in emergency ward.

I took out my cell phone to call someone but then realized I have been alone for years now, it's just I have been so much busy to notice it. Back in the days I used to cry myself to bed knowing that there was no one for me, no one waited for me and no one thought twice before leaving me. It's then when I decided to keep myself busy and to use social media less.

I thought to scroll through my contact list hoping for a name to appear to whom I could call. As the list was reaching it's end I finally saw a name and without thinking twice I called.

Me: Ma?

Ma: It's 1 a.m what are you doing this late? PUBG again? How many times should I tell you to not play it?

I decided to not say her about the situation and thought to go with the flow. I calmly listened to her and the spoke for another 5 minutes and hung the call.

I went near her room and through the glass I saw her, my heart felt broken after being practical for all these years, I could feel hurt. I started to talk to myself 'Believe it or not, we all will be alone at some point, will have to fight our own struggles, face the circumstances alone, by choice or not, we will be left alone. It's not necessary that a person decides to leave but also that their chapter gets over in your life' my thoughts got interrupted by a text message, I unlocked my cell phone to check and saw my friend's name, a smile on my face appear, after all not every bond ends, at least the ones made out of no benefits or expectations stays may be because you don't think twice before approaching.

-me$hal-
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Wrote this yesterday when I had a terrible break down, the hurt is still there, the rest will come out someday for sure, but for now I am quite and trying to control.

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