After completing my assignments I checked WhatsApp to see whether the class group had sent any messages, as there was none and dinner was going to be late, I switched off the lights of my room and thought to take a nap... I have always been a sleepy fellow but now I sleep to run from the thoughts that make my head ache... As I began to sleep, my mother opened the door and asked me about how did my day go... I knew that look, I knew she wanted to talk something else and this was just an excuse and I knew what she wanted to talk and I knew I had to say another lie...
Mumma: Okay, smili, if you are not happy with the engagement, break it...
And the same topic unfolded again...
Me: I am fine, I am good...
Mumma: You still love him don't you?...
I didn't expect she would say this and controlling my tears were toughest task at this moment...
Me: Mumma, it's over, it's useless to talk about that now...
Mumma: You both still talk?...
Me: No...
Mumma: Why? You both don't talk?...
Me: No, I thought not to...
Mumma: I can't see you lying here and there, the house has become so dull... I can't see you stressed, if you are not happy, say it...
Me: I don't want to talk about it, I am not breaking my engagement ever, think about baba's respect, how disheartened will he be?...
Mumma: You are compromising... (She said looking straight in my eyes)...
Me: We are not going to talk about it, never again please...
Mumma: I don't know what is written in your future...
And she left...
What's the use of talking about it? when I was the one who made the decision... '1 year more smili, I will make it' said he, 'You are not blessed because she is in your house' said someone related to me to my dad, that tensed look on my father's face and those tears in my mother's eyes made me believe that I was a burden and all those shits happening in life of the people I loved were because of me and thus I broke... And with my one 'Yes' everything went right, he got the job, my relatives taunt didn't end but I could handle, dad was cool then but my mother got to know what I did and she still cries...
I think I am not a good material to which a guy could say 'Fuck everything, I need her', I giggled as I said those words... But indeed I wasn't... And relationship didn't mean I impose my wishes on the other and everything happens what I want... They too have a life, their dreams, their career, their parents, which couldn't be given up because of me, I didn't want to be the villain and someone giving up something for me will make me more weak... Things have changed, everything in me got changed the day I said to him 'You have to do what you want to and you wish to do, don't think about me, I will be fine', I knew he wasn't ready but instead of hearing that he can't do it and making me feel worse, I thought to take the step by myself and let him free...
That dejected night changed everything, that talkative lips got silenced, those butterflies in my stomach vanished, the nature which appeared colorful to me after meeting him turned black and white again... But nobody or may be say I didn't allow anyone to make me feel good, I didn't allow anyone to come close to me because I could feel my heart turning cold... I lost my strength and became a girl with no weaknesses... Past became irreversible and so was changing myself... Time made me forget the memories but my wound are still fresh...
Wish I was someone's 'Fuck everything, I need her'...
Mumma: Okay, smili, if you are not happy with the engagement, break it...
And the same topic unfolded again...
Me: I am fine, I am good...
Mumma: You still love him don't you?...
I didn't expect she would say this and controlling my tears were toughest task at this moment...
Me: Mumma, it's over, it's useless to talk about that now...
Mumma: You both still talk?...
Me: No...
Mumma: Why? You both don't talk?...
Me: No, I thought not to...
Mumma: I can't see you lying here and there, the house has become so dull... I can't see you stressed, if you are not happy, say it...
Me: I don't want to talk about it, I am not breaking my engagement ever, think about baba's respect, how disheartened will he be?...
Mumma: You are compromising... (She said looking straight in my eyes)...
Me: We are not going to talk about it, never again please...
Mumma: I don't know what is written in your future...
And she left...
What's the use of talking about it? when I was the one who made the decision... '1 year more smili, I will make it' said he, 'You are not blessed because she is in your house' said someone related to me to my dad, that tensed look on my father's face and those tears in my mother's eyes made me believe that I was a burden and all those shits happening in life of the people I loved were because of me and thus I broke... And with my one 'Yes' everything went right, he got the job, my relatives taunt didn't end but I could handle, dad was cool then but my mother got to know what I did and she still cries...
I think I am not a good material to which a guy could say 'Fuck everything, I need her', I giggled as I said those words... But indeed I wasn't... And relationship didn't mean I impose my wishes on the other and everything happens what I want... They too have a life, their dreams, their career, their parents, which couldn't be given up because of me, I didn't want to be the villain and someone giving up something for me will make me more weak... Things have changed, everything in me got changed the day I said to him 'You have to do what you want to and you wish to do, don't think about me, I will be fine', I knew he wasn't ready but instead of hearing that he can't do it and making me feel worse, I thought to take the step by myself and let him free...
That dejected night changed everything, that talkative lips got silenced, those butterflies in my stomach vanished, the nature which appeared colorful to me after meeting him turned black and white again... But nobody or may be say I didn't allow anyone to make me feel good, I didn't allow anyone to come close to me because I could feel my heart turning cold... I lost my strength and became a girl with no weaknesses... Past became irreversible and so was changing myself... Time made me forget the memories but my wound are still fresh...
Wish I was someone's 'Fuck everything, I need her'...
-me$hal-
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